"But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control …" (2 Peter 1:5–6a).
Today we will explore the root causes of anger and consider some practical ways that we can manage anger and exercise self-control. If we’re having problems controlling our emotions, it is helpful first to try to understand the nature of anger, what causes it in general, and then to see if we can relate to this in terms of our own patterns of behavior. One of the first things we need to understand is the principle that anger does not happen in a vacuum, and it is almost always generated by some kind of pain. That pain can be physical, emotional, spiritual. It can be pain born from some sort of personal loss or personal turmoil. There is a process, therefore, that moves from pain to anger. This creates a trap because, when we respond to another in anger, that person responds in anger, and the cycle goes on and on. The only way to stop the cycle of anger is to recognize the relationship between pain and anger. We need to look past the anger and try to find the pain. Practically, this means, if someone lashes out at you in anger, you should not respond in anger, but stop and ask, “Where’s the pain?” You should feel empathy for that person and seek reconciliation. And if you’re the one who’s angry, you need to step back and ask yourself, “Where’s the pain?” and you should deal with yourself on that level.
Sometimes a person can be angry, and his pain has nothing to do with us, but he lashes out at us in a misdirected way. Often, a child gets frustrated with a task, and lashes out at his mother. He’s not really angry at his mother, but she becomes the object of his released frustration (which is a kind of pain). It helps in situations such as these to have the wisdom to help that person deal with the real source of the anger, rather than simply reacting to his unfair treatment of us.
It is helpful for us to ask ourselves some basic questions: What annoys me about other people? What tends to make me angry? What situations make me angry? Then we need to ask ourselves, “Why?” Sometimes it takes a lot of reflective insight to answer this question. But we need to seek to understand our own anger, and until we understand it, we won’t be able to control it. And only when we deal with the root cause of our anger can we begin to put on the fruits of self-control, gentleness, and kindness.
As long as you continue to allow yourself to react to your own pain, instead of dealing with that pain before the Lord, you will be defensive and angry. What makes you angry and why? Then next time you feel yourself getting angry, step back, bring the pain before God. He will sustain you.
